I’m not mad

Today I stayed downtown in the cold to meet someone, my special, slightly secret someone that has been filling this void in my life for brown skin to match and love mine. I wasn’t stupid or naive about our reasons for meeting either, I knew, like me, during our interactions her thoughts were of the lover she lost and mine as well. Because during the cold season it’s just nice to have someone that wants you(or more specifically wants what you have) even if its your energy, warmth, comfort.

Anyways, I met up with her and was surprised to not get the same usual cheerful greeting of love and kindness. But today was different, she was hesitant. And I was over excited. Finally seeing this brown beauty, this delicate secret that I had been thinking about over the month of time we have been apart and mildly out of contact. However, she isn’t really ‘out’ and I am not one to force someone out of the closet of encourage someone to catch up to the chapter that I’m on, when I’m on book 2 or 3. So I waited, I waited for my time to get a moment to talk to her.

When we finally did get to speak I realized that she was holding something back, so like the Virgo I am, I dived in saying “I really like you and I’ve been missing you over this time apart.” Her silence after that said it all. But I continued to wait for a response or affirmation of my feelings. But she said “I like you too. But my heart is elsewhere, and I don’t know if I should move on when my heart and my head is elsewhere. I do like you, but I want something more. I want someone that reminds me of home that I can be comfortable with.”

I stood there for a second, not knowing what to say. My ego wanted to say “Fuck you” and quote a Gucci Mane verse or two but the other part of me wanted to say, ‘thank you’ because even though she didn’t know it, we were in the same place. I mean, I WAS hurt but not because of the blow to the ego, but because I wished I could have said that to her, long before we started courting each other. I wished I could have said that to the many women that I have been with after my love went away. But I didn’t, I let my fears of being alone cause me to share many beds to ignore my own feelings.

So I’m not mad, because I realized that I wasn’t talking to this woman, but a mirror of my feelings and all I could really do was honor hers and my own. For far too long I have been operating as if I never experienced love’s Perfect Match for me. She was everything that I needed and wanted. She was hood rat and lady, woman and gentleman, girl and little boy, crazy and sane, liberal about some things but conservative about others, demonic and yet divine. Our collective energies danced with each other when we were together. And I NEVER had to wear ANY of my masks with her (partly because she knew them all and always wanted me fully present).

I broke a lot of hearts to come to this truth. The truth I wished I could have said everyday to everyone after she left. I understand now, that her love is all I need and want. And I will wait, and be patient until she comes back or die with the purity of our love being the last thing I smile about(even if I never experience it again). Because she is home, comfort, change, a challenge, a omen, a prayer, God smiling on me, a sunset, water, a chess game, a movie marathon. And yes I can have all those separately, but she was and is God’s Perfect Match for me and for that; I will wait, or just be thankful I got to experience.