Perfect Woman

I know I have been away... Gathering material from my messy life experiences takes time and continues to change my views on love and companionship which then I have to translate to this blog.(half-assed excuse)

Based off my current appetite I have a knack for showing up to parties with a good looking potential life mate on my arm. And that used to satisfy me(actually it didn’t but the alcohol at functions helped) however now my appetite has changed when it comes to this life mate thing. Often when thinking about a potential partner, people tell you to get out a blank sheet of paper and write down all the attributes you want them to have. And once you get past the perfect body, smile, and features you get to the nitty gritty stuff. I always start putting down things like compassionate, gentle, spontaneous, goal-orientated, etc. And those are very positive qualities for a potential mate to have. They just also happen to be boring and not all that I want in my mate. 

But I never have the courage to stand up in my circle of friends of group and say I want my partner to be ruthless, conniving, treacherous, painfully pragmatic, bitchy, bossy,  sneaky, convincing, freaky, etc. What brought this up you ask? I have spent the last _ days(cause I don’t really remember how many) watching two shows, The Following and House of Cards. And after multiple days of no sleep, life drama, and only these shows to talk to, I have lifted the ban that I had on dating white women (cause after watching these two shows you can’t deny the gangstaness of the white women, just can’t) AND thought about the darker qualities I want my future bride to have.

The formula goes is as follows: (MOST OF CLAIRE UNDERWOOD)+(ALL OF EMMA) X (ALL OF MANDEE) = A PERFECT MATE AND DEADLY PARTNER. 

Now some of you might be asking if I am anything like Frank Underwood or Joe Carroll, and I pride myself by saying I am growing to be much worse(see works produced 5 years from now :). The women that support these two great fictional men bring their own problems, baggage, obsessions, etc to the table. But what cannot be denied is their unflinching loyalty and their unconditionally love.

There is a clear distinction between love and unconditional love. And for these purposes unconditional love trumps just ol’ love cause love always comes with conditions and expectations. These women loved flawed men unconditionally and without judgement. This love is based on a truth and a basic human understanding that many people don’t understand, that we are all human and therefore powerful. 

No one understands this better than Claire from House of Cards; Claire and Frank don’t have a marriage, they have a blood-oath partnership that they are both happy to go to the mattresses for. Which is why it can handle Frank’s bisexuality or Claire’s (alleged)  infidelity. This is because they are completely honest with each other and are clear that whatever is done is in the best interest of them both. They can fuck around on each other, it keeps the marriage interesting. The smoke cigarettes together, because it’s always nice to share at least one vice with someone you love, and when one of them gets attacked they don’t fucked around. Revenge is often slow, deliberate, and painful as shit. O I would love to be so strategic with a lover, to gather intel like every outing is a mission. To see her engage in animalistic thrills without batting an eye, to hear of exploits, or squirm with the thought of juicy secrets unshared but be amused at the thought. I could only imagine what an aphrodisiac that is. To sleep with a woman who is powerful and fucked up. Another thing about Claire is she is quiet, her best friend IS her husband. She is not a gossiper, because she understands the power of information and appearances. 

What Claire is lacking(which isn’t much) is added by Emma from The Following, and what Emma has is a one track mind and craziness that I appreciate. Emma’s loyalty comfortably sits in the realm of complete obsession. I love this about her. Even though Claire is great being goal orientated, her goals weren’t always in align with Frank’s. Emma would cut out her own tongue before turning on Joe Carroll and it is that type of devotion that a artist truly needs. She is completely dedicated to the work that Joe is doing and the dream that he has. And because of this love that borders on obsession Emma will do everything and anything to be Joe’s rock. Even when Joe is tired and his faith is waning, it is Emma who provides him with the stability he needs to think. She also is extremely jealous and always looking out for the best interest of Joe. I don’t care if I’m a narcissist, I’m an artist and desire someone as obsessive about me AND my work. My works will probably be the only children I produce and I want my partner to treat it as such. I will be equally insane(if not more) so I want her to be absolutely bat shit crazy about me. But I want her to not b so crazy that she would think killing me was a good idea. 

Last but certainly not least, I would multiply these two white women by Mandee, also from The Following. Mandee is the strange strong black woman that has enough faith is Joe to kill her mother. In this girl, Joe see’s hope, redemption and feels the love that he needs to continue on. Mandee does more than believe in Joe, she has faith in him. And backs her words up with actions. Lovers have had faith in me before but did not go great lengths to prove it, or stay by my side in the midst of my failures. I could only imagine being stared up at with adoration and praise as if I was the messiah himself. 

Messiah?!(Did I go to far?) I don’t care that these things concern some, it’s my truth and I’m proud of it. I’ve watched relationships, marriages, partnerships crumble under secrets, half-truths, and passive aggressiveness. Many of my own failed simply because I could not be as honest with my partner about my wants and desires. About my carnal urges, about my games of chess, attraction to pain, etc. My complexity requires a lot more than a person that can maintain a home and picket fence. I need someone that can be completely honest with me and themselves about this human experience and the taboo things that make us human and scared to live out our full human experiences.

And I am sick of innocence, it really has no place in this world unless on the back of a missing poster. I no longer want to have moments surrounded by checker players who couldn’t possibly fathom what’s at stake. There are people in this world that will never raise themselves above the title of cum bucket or doormat. However I need a woman who will be a constant and never a variable. That’s powerful even when assumed to be at their most fragile.

And why you ask? Because I love women. 

But most importantly I love strong powerful women. It’s these women that make me feel to be in their very company is an honor and privilege. It’s these women that are able to invoke the fear of God even when the police cannot as well as the tenderness of a mother or trusted confidant. It’s these women I’ve been missing in my life. It’s these women that I will be able to be strong around but won’t need too. Its these women that I will take off my mask in front of. It’s these women that truly are Queens, able to move through different class levels, past gatekeepers, essentially all across the board. And most importantly, I need a woman who is so powerful that it feels natural to submit too. 

What type of a woman do you need for you?